It has been 6 years, nearly 6 years since I arrived on a Qatar airways flight with 2 big suitcases to hand. After having an unsteady beginning at the airport where my Dad paid 1000 quid, because my suitcase was way over the limit, due to me not properly checking properly with the airline before, in my crazy fury to leave. I did pay him back however, once I got my paycheck! I remember the moment of arriving in China and everyone rushing over to get a trolley in some kind of panic at the airport, and wondering why they were moving so fast without any order? I remember the adrenaline of walking through into arrivals and looking around for someone holding a paper with my name on, what if there was no one there? I left to go to China 6 years ago, and went there completely naïve and blind to the culture I was about to immerse myself in. Now I’m not just talking about the general, ‘hey I’m in China and want to travel and do cultural things,’ I am talking about the work life, the city life, the expat circle, the locals and everyday things that change you and mould you into someone that you would have never expected. So when I found my nametag, I expected that maybe I would survive 1 year, or maybe I would get to 2, but then it turned into 6? What on earth happened?

As I’m swiftly reaching the end of the 6 years now, I’m going to go through about how making a decision about whether to stay or leave China, as this has been quite possibly been one of the most difficult and challenging decisions that I have ever had to make. Probably it has been more challenging than making the decision to go and live in China in the first place.

When I left to go to China, the main thing everyone mentioned to me was like, “oh you’re going to teach abroad, won’t that be like just going on holiday for a few years?” Part of me before wondered how teaching abroad would be different to back home, all I can say is that it is not any easier or less exhausting. The work load at the international schools is intense, but it was just intense in a completely different way to back home, I wake up at 6am and I get home at 6pm, that’s all I can say. In the UK, I worked as an early years teacher, so originally I applied to do that here. At the interview, they took one look at my CV and said those magical words to me that I never really expected, “would you like to teach art in primary? We really need more art teachers, they’re so difficult to find.” I wondered in that moment, why it was difficult to find and art teacher but of course, I replied that “I would love to try that.”So there was more questions and then a few exchanges of but “you have never taught that before, do you think you can do it?“ This was when the Chinese man was eyeballing me under his glasses, the western American guy didn’t seem to care that much. Then afterwards I went to another room, where I was met with another short Chinese man who offered me hot water and told me about life in China, the school’s foundation and accommodation. The interview was successful and a week later I had a contract to go and teach art an international school in China. I felt like the Gods had opened up a door into my dream, the art dream and the travel dream, it had all come together.

Once arriving in China, I realized that I was not anywhere near the city of Shanghai, but thrown out into some developing under the radar area called Lingang. It was one of China’s infamous ghost cities, a place build on top of the sea by man, cities they build with the hope of people moving there, walking along the empty streets, I felt like I had emerged into some kind of futuristic, zombie apolcalyse world that was a little upside down. Stepping onto my school site, I looked at the building before me in awe… well it certainly wasn’t like my local primary back in the UK. Later I entered my classroom, it was a blank slate, in-fact the whole school was a blank white paper, the design and the drawing was for the teachers to figure out. It was a huge campus and I had huge classroom and the possibilities were endless but to begin with there was no materials, no teaching plans, no curriculum and a Principle that told me, ‘you decide on what you do.’ I felt in that moment, although I was excited, I had a huge job on my hands, in the UK I was given the objectives and told what I had to do, but here I had to figure it all out myself, and I had to figure it out very quickly. There was also another art teacher there, who had gone to same art school as me- Camberwell, except he was a 50 year old man with a young Chinese wife. He seemed more interested in making art than teaching though, I remember at the end of my first few weeks of teaching there, he invited me to an art show he had at the top of the Meridian hotel, on the 50th or something floor. There was suitcases on the floor and he walked up into the middle of a crowd of people and starting screaming into the microphone, something about immigration, reminded me of London a bit, and the performance artists at a gallery I used to intern at. Sure enough, an artist is an artist, a couple of weeks at the school, he walked out one day with his computer left in the reception but I think it was also to do with the fact that he was getting a divorce with his Chinese wife who happened to be the drama teacher. During this time, my classroom was on the 4th floor and he was the only one there with me at the time, I felt worried that I was left alone. Pretty soon, another teacher turned up, and one of the most likeable, positive and real people I have ever met.

There are so many stories I can tell you about teaching art and the wonderful people I worked with at my first school in China. But the main thing is, I really enjoyed working independently and collaboratively there. I was given freedom to plan and do whatever projects I wanted to do with Grade 1 through to 5. I would plan different themes and explore the art disciplines, and elements of art through these themes and as time went by we developed our own curriculum and we ordered all of our materials, even if they took a long time to come, so our department changed, adapted and grew. Sometimes the problem was waiting for the materials to arrive though, at times it would take months, and this was usually due to management not signing the papers off, or forgetting to do.The second school where I am now working at, was more of an easier transition, the materials were there more things were in place, and again the people I work with are inspiring and reflexible and it is an environment where you can just be yourself. In the UK, I don’t remember things ever being like that, it’s all about assessments and data and tracking children’s attainment and micro-managing so the creativity and freedom is squashed. This in turn made me wonder if I ever wanted to go back to the UK to teach again?

The only thing I realized about being an art teacher in primary was though, particularly in the first school I worked at, that the children were generally quite dis-respectful. All the children that attended the school were from affluent backgrounds so they pretty much had everything, but at the other end of the spectrum some of them also had nothing, because their parents dumped them at school every week to board there, and gave them no time and attention, so therefore there was at times some difficult behaviour issues that I would have never expected in China. During the first visual art lesson I had, I remember, it was a Grade 1 class, the children were like animals, they were out of control, and then as soon as one boy walked it, he grabbed an eraser from the table, chewed it up and spat it out all over the carpet, that class was hard to calm down after that to say the least. Some lessons were mad, the children were terrible at just sitting down and being quiet or tidying up. The worst incident was one child poured some black paint on the floor, and then poured a bucket of water over it so the room turned into a black river! However, I loved this job and designed projects that I wanted to do, it challenged me creatively more so than my teaching job back in the UK, and I often found myself spending time after school working on projects and at the weekend just because I wanted to, not because I had. So even though, I cannot say I was creating my own personal art, I was working on a collaboration with children all the time.

Things which make working at an international school different to back home, is the constant events, which at the beginning felt quite exciting and some of the time, I felt like an event planner than a teacher. There is always special concerts and cultural days happening, and this is a lovely thing to be apart of, but of course it is all for marketing, so Chinese parents can sign up and show off to their friends what an expensive school they have sent their child to. However, I have done some pretty immense art exhibitions with the children’s work, which have been well received at both of the schools, they were a lot of work but turned out really well.

For me, I found as time has passed, even though other people will tell me how jealous they are that I’m engaged with art practice with children everyday, sometimes I feel exhausted, there is days where I really do not want to get the paint, the PVA glue or the pompoms out, touch or cut paper, even though to most people my job is viewed as ‘fun,’ and not really proper work. There is some teachers who just think anyone can be an art teacher or we do all day is just, ‘colour in’ with students, or teachers will approach you and ask you to decorate their room, or ask if you can you paint something like a tiger for their display and hand it over the next day. And because I am constantly inspiring others and watching them create enthusiastically the most amazing works that are so much full of imagination, I feel like I have no energy to actually be involved in my own personal art, even though I am inspiring them and giving them the ideas in the first place. Which is why I think either you are an art teacher or you are an artist, you cannot be both, so over the years I have started to question, if this is it? Is this what I am going to do forever? The same question I asked myself before I came to China.

Social and Travel Life

When you move overseas and join what you would call, ‘the expat circle’ life is a little bit different to back home. Back home, people are just busy with their busy lives. I remember when a group of my old friends from school and I always tried to meet up, every time it need to be arranged a couple months in advance because someone always had something going on, people had their weekend filled with weddings, baby showers, family stuff or just random things with their partner. Partly that’s one of the reasons I moved overseas because, again, I wondered, is this is? I remember sitting in the staff room at my old primary school in Reading and one of the woman was talking about how she was counting down the years till she retired and could leave this place. And the girls my age were getting excited about buying houses, getting engaged, going to weddings and having their first baby, and at the time that kind of thing made me feel a little bit bored, I generally felt like I had nothing in common with these people, and was not excited about those things, well not at that time anyway. After, I had got back from my travels previously, something had changed in me, and the life I had as a primary school teacher in Reading was never truly going to satisfy me, or be enough.

When I first moved to Shanghai back in 2016, I was a little unsteady on my feet, everything was new to me and difficult to navigate, so in those early stages you find some people to be with and you lean upon them, especially where I moved to that ghost town Lingang, it was a place in the middle of nowhere, in the boondocks of Shanghai and still developing. Sometimes the people you meet, and become friends with are not the ones you would chose at home, but you’re all thrown into a situation that brings you together. The first girl, I made friends with was a black girl from London, called Samantha, she was fun, but she was drama, hence she was the drama teacher, she was also spoilt after finishing a teaching contract in Abu Dhabi and to her this place was the slum. After work, we would sit in one of the Chinese restaurants, de-shelling and eating shrimp, and she would laugh like crazy when she heard ‘Na ge’ which sounds like ‘nigger’ and means ‘that’ in Chinese. She would bitch the hell out of everyone at work, and tell me I was the only one she liked. One day, I got to the bus stop in the morning though, I just good morning to her but she never replied and had her back turned towards me, something I did had upset her, but I had no idea what. But anyhow it appeared that most people easily upset her, judging how she talked about everyone, and besides I had other friends then. All us foreigners, no matter what the age would all hang out on Friday nights in one of the only pizza place/bar in the area called Fatty’s, we would drink, talk about the world, culture and the people had interesting things to say. Generally, I learnt from them, enjoyed their company and life certainly was not boring anymore. I remember one Saturday the other art teacher (the crazy one I mentioned before) invited me to go to some art exhibitions at the weekend, him and the other music teacher, both of them were 50 years old, so back then, a 29 year old me spent my day going to art exhibitions with two 50 year old men, that is something I would never do back in the UK, and would seem a bit strange, but in China well it didn’t feel weird at all.

Over time, the social life evolved in my time in Lingang, it was a close knit community, so other foreigners or locals would invite you round to their house for dinners, there was sometimes house parties, always the Friday nights out to the local bars, or sometimes going to KTV, meditation nights, oh and hotpot, yes always hotpot. Hotpot or Korean bbq was always the best social time, you could generally sit there for hours eating slowly. But now I realised why I put weight on in China, because I spend so much more time eating over a longer period, because in China eating is seen as social thing, and dinner can extend on for hours and hours.

The main thing about Lingang though that sometimes made it a difficult place to live is that it was a bit like Coronation Street, and everyone knew, every bodies business, you could not have any secrets or hide anything. All had to do was walk 10 minutes down the road, and I would bump into someone I knew and they would ask me about my day. Or I would pop into Starbucks, then find a group of people from work there already, then two hours later I’m still sat at Starbucks. Once I moved to the city for ny second job in Shanghai, life changed a lot more, the close knit community was gone, but I found my tribe, and the city became more or less a little bit of an adults playground to me. Coffee shops, restaurants, bars, parks to chill in, gigantic shopping malls, the city is an endless metropolis of a cosmopolitan something, moving and developing at a fast pace, in Shanghai you can walk down one road and have the feeling you are ancient China, then you can almost immediately stroll down another path and feel like you are in Europe. Some people would say living in the city is lonely, but here, I have never felt like that, every weekend there is always something happening, there is always someone that wants to do something with you. During this time, I developed friends with a lot of Chinese girls and dated with Chinese guys, and felt that inside I was starting to feel more Asian, and wondered how I would feel going back to the UK and having to make friends and start all over again?

But anyway, it’s not just being Shanghai and I could tell you a lot of things about Shanghai, it is the travel I have done since I have been here, the beautiful eye-opening travel. Living on an expat package, you can afford to both save and travel, I did know that before I came here and it was one of the driving reasons why I came. When I first moved to China, at every given holidays, I was going somewhere. In fact it is all part of the culture here. Coming up to the holiday every expat will be talking about where they are off, the conversation is like, ‘oh we’re off to little island in the Phillipines, oh we’re going scuba- diving in Indonesia,’ generally it’s like you’re having a competition about who’s holiday is the best. And I am not talking about bad-ass backpacking here, I’m talking about luxury holidays, China allows the expats the freedom and opportunity to do that. Apart from when COVID hit and the borders closed, then it pushed myself and all the other foreigners to actually go and explore the country they were in- China, well just as long as you have you green code and COVID test! But that also made me wonder, do I want to give up this life of never really worrying about money or where I could travel to?

Relationships and Dating life

This has been the one thing that has not worked out so great for me here, and I can tell you right now, in all honesty, that it is not me, it is them and whole lot of rubbish luck. But I guess, a person cannot have everything, right? Back when I moved to China, I made a big mistake, my big mistake was not breaking up with my ex-boyfriend before I left. I always knew there was something not right, but I didn’t follow my gut feeling and didn’t want to deal with the hurt of that and moving to China. So my ex did not come immediately because his Dad had recently passed away a few months before I left for China- yes I know, now I sound like the awful person. But really, I knew that something was not right and that was not a reason to delay my plans and stay. Being in my vulnerable state when I first moved to China, many emotional Skype video calls were made, and then my boyfriend found a job, and well he was coming to China, at the time I felt happy for this because well it was tough in the ghost city of Lingang, and I felt lonely.

I won’t go into the whole emotional saga which really is the most dramatic story of my life- so far, I think. But fast forward in time, we had some good travel holidays together, and he managed to get a job at my school, so we could live together. But as soon as that happened and he got what he wanted, he treated me like rubbish, and blamed me for making him move there- as he hated China, even though he was throughly enjoying his time. He spent all his time with the boys, swigging beer down at the local foreign super market that everyone sat outside after work, and at the first chance he got, he cheated on me. I had to deal with all this while working at my last school in the boondocks with the whole community knowing. My life generally felt like a full blown soap opera.

I always knew here though, it would be quite impossible to find someone else, well not completely impossible, but maybe not the right type of person. Foreigner guys for one, would not be interested in me, because all foreign guys, who are decent and single, will have a line of Asian girls at their disposable, they can play with one, and then play with the next, and then the next, because Chinese girls love foreign guys here, especially white ones. So the guys, come here to play with as many beautiful girls as they can, because the opportunities are endless for them. Even a guy who would be a 4 or a 5 back home with no personality. But the other side of the story is that I have a lot of Chinese girl friends, and they are so tired of this behaviour as well. Because for a girl in their 30’s or older who is unmarried, they are seen culturally as a ‘left over woman,’ and most of the good Chinese men are married by their 30’s and the older ones still want someone who is 25. However, the foreign guys that come to China love Chinese girls of all ages, and sometimes they marry one, so a foreign guy can be a good match for a girl who can speak English well and is over 30. And I am not just talking about Chinese girls here, but Asian girls in general.

Going back to myself, the behaviour of foreign men, well actually I am going to say predominantly white men in China- is disgusting. Now I will not stereotype type this to all of the guys in this criteria, there are some very good guys, but there is definitely an underlying arrogance. After my break up though, I did meet someone else, but I just felt like this person came into my life to help me through that difficult time and stop be obsessing with the breakup. My ex always said, ‘what would really hurt me, would be if you dated someone else at the same work place.’ And well, that exact thing happened, but I certainly didn’t plan it. This guy was Chinese, I remember seeing him, for the first time at work, he was very, very tall, like giraffe tall and had bright red trousers, so kind of quirky for a Chinese guy so that’s what attracted me to him. The whole thing started off with my friend went up to him at the photocopier and asked if ‘he was single and did he know Claire?’ The next day he asked me for coffee and that was it. However, without going too much into the story, this ended a year later, after the crazy pandemic and me moving to the city centre to another school. I knew he was not the ‘right’ one, but it was therapeutic and what I needed at the time.

Moving to the city, I started to use the dating apps, for me, this was the first time I had even done this, so I found it quite exciting. And I got lots of dates, never with foreign white men though of course, pretty much it was always Chinese guys, or the ABC’S, which means American born Chinese, so basically the foreigners with the Asian faces, these guys I am quite popular with, which really made me wonder about race and how it can change people’s perception of who they are attracted to. I’ll admit, when I first moved to China, I would have never found Asian men particularly attractive, but somehow that changed after immersing myself in the culture and previously dating with one. Soon I realized, well the foreign white guys can play with Chinese girls, but it could also work the other way.

But I knew after having a few dates, none of these would really lead to anything serious or kind of relationship I wanted. But at the time, I thought, do I really want a serious relationship right now? One of the best dating experiences I had though was with a guy from Chengdu, he had lived in America before and he was very interested in Art, he is the first guy I had met who actually wanted to see my Art and talk about it. Our date was based down in the French Concession in one of Shanghai’s most iconic and popular spots- Wuking Lu. When I walked down Ferguson Lane and saw him smoking a cigar with a baseball hat on, looking kind of mysterious I was instantly intrigued. After a couple of dates, hanging out a trendy places in Shanghai, he suddenly disappeared and he was really difficult to communicate with. But I will, to this day, always remember the magic and connection during those dates. But I think I enjoyed those dates, not because I would have fallen in love with but because he made me fall a little bit more in love with Shanghai and places we went to.

Now the next guy, and the most recent one, is generally the most mysterious and puzzling character I have ever met. This guy was an ABC and before the pandemic apparently travelled between Washington DC, Amsterdam and China, he was some kind of science researcher and earned the big bucks supposedly. The first time I met, he had finished his quarantine and we sat having brunch in the worlds biggest Starbucks, as this Starbucks was situated in Shanghai . The guy said he was only around for a few days, and had to go to Beijing for business on Friday. Well we spent pretty much most of the week together and then off he went on Friday. On Saturday, I was so exhausted from spending all my evenings with him, but then he sent me a message in the morning saying he was coming back to Shanghai to see me, I just thought for a second, ‘this guy is totally crazy, he just went to Beijing.’ We dated for a year, I was very much drawn to him, and he seemed to really like me so much and go out of his way to see me, it was always long distance though, and he was always traveling back and forth to Amsterdam, quarantines included, but he was also kind of suspicious. Even though, he videoed called me a lot, he never shared much of his life with me, and only had time to go for dinner and drink red wine. And wow, we did have some amazing dinners and some amazing super expensive wine. But so much didn’t add up about this guy, there was no trace of him online, he had two phones, he never paid with WeChat or Alipay and always had a bundle of money in his wallet. Anyway, you get the story.

So rounding it up, even though, there has been many positive things about living in China, and I’ve had an incredible time through varied experiences, there is a point in our lives when we have to follow where the wind takes us. And I feel in my heart and in my gut, that I should leave China now. As they say ‘all good things’ have to come to end at some point. Sure, I’ve enjoyed the travel, but am I travelled out now? Sure, I’ve enjoyed the social life, but how much partying and socializing do I really want now? Sure, I’ve enjoyed the job, but is teaching art full time to affluent kids really going to give me full satisfaction? And maybe, where I go next, maybe I’ll be so lucky to find guy who is decent, or maybe not… but who cares. The point is, I have made my decision, and I am leaving China very soon, I don’t know what is going to happen to me next, but I am thankful for the time here and all the adventures that I’ve had along the way. And, the most important thing is that I’m happy, happy in my own skin, laughing at the past and ready for whatever awaits me next past this Shanghai chapter.

#shanghai #china #expat #livingoverseas #expatlife